Monday, September 17, 2012

A Simple Deer Season Question

Sure wish I could tape some of the phone calls I get while working at the store. Maybe I could sell them on CD or at iTunes and make a few bucks.

Most callers ask a simple questions such as “do you sell those ground blinds that look like big rolls of straw” or “are those Final Approach goose decoys still on sale and how many floaters are left”? Then there are those calls where I must keep my composure before laughing myself silly and insult the caller. Yesterday I laughed anyway and the caller didn’t seem to mind.

I swear I am not making his up.

First some background. Last Saturday the “urban” deer season opened in Lake and Porter counties here in Indiana. For many years the opener was the first Saturday in October. Since deer are so abundant in these populated counties (especially Lake) the DNR opened this earlier season to help thin the urban herd and keep the auto body shops from reaping huge profits. With a special tag package, up to six deer may be taken by any hunter in total using all the various seasonal opportunities, license bundles and weapons now available legally.

The call went like this.

Me: Hello, hunting department. How may I help you?

Hunter: (Whispering in a thick redneck drawl) Hey, I got a question fer ya.

Me: That’s what we’re here for sir.

Hunter: When I am up in my tree stand and need to go pee what do I do?

Me: You mean, how do you keep from contaminating your spot with human urine scent?

Hunter: Yup. Is there something I need, something I can go in or , should I climb down and walk back to my truck?

Me: (Guessing) Are you in your stand right now sir?

Hunter: Yup. It’s my first time deer hunting and the one thing I didn’t even think about was pee. I know pee will scare the deer. Now I gotta’ go.

Me: This this your first deer hunt? You are in your stand calling me? Really?

Hunter: Yup.

My first thought was that Larry The Cable Guy or someone like him was pranking me, so I tried to remain professional. It didn’t last long before I completely lost it.

Me: In my days of deer hunting I used an old milk container, you know, the plastic kind with a handle on it. I painted it and tied it to a tree branch with green paracord from the handle. When it got half full after a few outings I took it home after shooting hours and emptied it.

Hunter: Did you climb down from the tree to pee in it? Won't that make a stink and spook the deer?

Me: No sir, I hung it on a branch above the stand so it was in easy reach when I needed to use it. No need to climb down from your stand until heading home or after killing your deer, whichever comes first.

Hunter: Is there a product you sell to stick in a special bottle that sucks up the pee and takes away the stink? What do I do about the pee what might git spilt?

About this time I bust out laughing. I believe this was his question to begin with. He was honestly looking to purchase one of many unnecessary products designed to suck cash from the wallets of hunters who will buy anything they believe will give them an advantage. These guys watch too many deer hunting TV programs.

Me: No sir, no product that I am aware of. Just remember, you need to aim very well. How old are you anyway?

Hunter: Bout thirty-two.

Me: If you are thirty-two years old and can hit a target with your arrow you should be able to aim your winkie at a jug hole and pee without spilling any.

This is where HE lost it and we both laughed.

Hunter: (Not whispering any longer) Guess you’re right. But what if I do git some spilt?

Me: Are you really in your stand right now, really?

Hunter: Yup. Out here in some woods near Lowell.

Me: You could pack in some scent blocker spray and apply some to your hands and the jug if you miss the jug, but since you are in a tree the idea is to keep your scent and motion above, out of the sensory line of the deer. And please sir, make sure to pee in the jug, not on your hands.

Hunter: Yup, you got a point. Hey, what did you paint your jug with?

Me: I used flat drab camo paint in gray, green and black, striped it like the tree bark so it looks like part of the tree.

Hunter: Guess that makes sense.

Me: One more thing, don’t drink too much beer the night before and lay off the coffee before going to your stand. Take only a small amount of bottled water, just enough to keep you. The less you drink the less you pee.

Hunter: Sure am glad I called. You guys seem to know all the answers whenever I call.

Me: We aim to please, sir, so you aim too, please?

Could not resist saying that and he didn’t even get the joke because his follow up was….

Hunter: Tell you what, I’m damn good at hitting anything under 30 yards with this new bow, I been practicing for weeks.

Me: Sir, when I was a young man I could hit my school bathroom ceiling with the pressure of my pee, about fifteen feet high.

Me and Hunter: Hahahahahahahahahah!

Me: Anything else I can help you with sir?

Hunter: No but thanks. You seem to know your stuff.

Me: Years of experience sir. Many, many years of experience.


Carl from Chicago said...

Ha ha it took me a while to figure out the graphic logo too.

Dan from Madison said...

Ho-lee cow that is a good one. You need to keep a journal. Then again, that is what LITGM is for.