Saturday, March 12, 2011

Neighborly Revenge

The neighbors we have had for the past twenty years have been nice, friendly and helpful. Sure, there are a few I will not acknowledge or make time for but for the most part they’re swell.

One neighbor is a woman that lives three lots away and across the road who is a spinster. The word spinster is a term used in legal documents to describe a woman who has never been married. She’s also obese. And ugly. No surprise.

Her name is Jane and she lives in a very nice home. When we first moved here the area was not built up much. Most of us got together for a block party once a year and for a progressive dinner party near Christmas. A progressive party is when one neighbor hosts appetizers and cocktails, another serves up a dinner and a third offers desserts and after dinner cocktails allowing for travel and prep time in between. We hosted a few times and so did Jane.

I remember her home being well furnished, almost to a point of being over decorated. It’s a chick thing where every nook and cranny must be filled with obnoxious objects ‘d art and brick-a-brack, hundreds of pillow shams on seats and couches and oversize custom wood trim. All the walls had special treatments and built-in custom cabinetry was everywhere. She described her home to my wife as "English Cottagey”. It is much larger than a cottage, I can assure you.

Jane seemed nice enough at the time. She worked as a consultant for a major consultancy flim-flam firm in Chicago, so let’s say she was into a six figure salary. Jane appeared to be intelligent, witty and friendly. Then her true nature came through as it always does when you know someone for a long time. So much for brains.

Another nearby neighbor who was recently fully retired became bored decided to perform lawn services for supplemental income and to stay active. Jane hired him for $30 per session and Tony would not only clip her lawn but he trimmed, edged and even pulled weeds for the price. He did minor landscaping for no extra fee. He was a truly nice guy and a good friend of mine.

One day Jane called him and told him his price was too high. She was hiring a new lawn service where a truck and trailer with three professional mowing devices and a group of Mezcans could get the job done in 30 minutes. They were charging $25. Tony lost a client. When he told me the story he was quite disappointed. He thought they were not only neighbors but friends. She did not even ask him if he would match their price, which he would have done. She was that cold.

On another occasion I went out at 11:45pm on a New Year’s Eve to light off a bunch of fireworks leftover from the 4th. As I was firing rockets and other ‘splodey goodness I noticed her garage door open. It was a frigid night. She backed her Jaguar out of the garage, pulled down the road and began to lecture me. Seems she felt I was going to set fire to her home. I explained that even if I tried none of my stuff could reach her precious English cottage. We had some heated words and she then left to lecture another neighbor down the road who was doing the same thing. This is when I knew firsthand that this broad had serious personality issues and was not worth a second of my time.

My closest neighbor has a fishing boat. When he was cleaning out his garage one day he parked his boat across the road in front of vacant land next to Jane’s place. He left it there overnight. The next morning he was confronted by a very angry Jane, who demanded that he remove the "unsightly piece of junk" from the road immediately. The vacant land happens to be owned by Jane and the boat is anything but unsightly. When he relayed the encounter to me he was disappointed in a neighbor that he and his wife had invited over a few times for cocktails and dinner.

Poor Jane, she is wealthy yet unhappy and unfulfilled. I don’t know how else to explain her behavior.

Then came the final straw for me.

In October 2008 I noticed a letter taped to my front door. It was from Jane. The content was jaw-dropping to me. Here is the letter.

It should be legible if you click to enlarge.

You see, I had McCain-Palin and My Man Mitch for Governor lawn signs out front as did a few other neighbors. Jane was one of very few who adorned their dwellings with Obama signs.

Since Jane was ignorant enough to place a lawn sign for Senator Zero out here in hard red conservative country. She can do as she wishes, but because of it someone placed republican campaign literature in her mailbox. Jane assumed it came from a nearby neighbor as indicated in her letter.

I guess it never occurred to her that someone was driving all over the area dropping literature in the mailboxes of homes displaying Senator Zero signs. Nope, must have been me. In fact, Tony told me later that she told him directly that I was the most likely suspect.

The contents of her letter taped to my front door was right out of the Senator Zero campaign playbook, all talking points that were available to anyone who was getting Senator Zero DNC email blasts (as I sneakily opted into so I know).

As I encountered other neighbors while walking my dogs I would ask if they had a similar note taped to their door. Seems not all neighbors had gotten the Jane letter, only the ones who had displayed McCain-Palin signs. Those who did expressed the same feelings as I.

I saved the letter and pinned it to a bulletin board in my office for future reference. On a few occasions I felt a response letter was in order considering the failure that President Zero has become. But I never have and most likely never will. Common sense prevails. I do not want to get into a pissing match with a fat, ugly leftist slug.

But thoughts of revenge crossed my mind. No, I would not do any damage or anything that would get me in trouble with the law. It’s not worth it. Besides, that’s not in my nature to so such a thing.

Getting revenge to me would be refusing to piss on her if she were on fire. In other words, she will get no favor from me at any point in time ever. I simply choose to ignore the beast.

Now there are neighbors out there willing to get revenge on another such as enacting annoying but perfectly legal options. I thought of Jane today when I watched the following video.

If I held a pig race next to Jane’s place she just might try to mate with one of them. I would never let that happen to an innocent pig.


Terry from Crown Point said...

Whoa! Now I know why you call your place the country bunker. What a C U Next Tuesday she is.

Carl from Chicago said...

Ugh sorry 'bout your neighbor. Sounds like she lives in the wrong neighborhood.

Dan from Madison said...

Always, always leave these insane people alone and move on enjoying your life. What a crackpot.

Mark said...

Ah, yes. New civility in action.

Sk8 said...

Dont feed the trolls. She can go guard her toll-bridge.

TeeJaw said...

I’ve been pretty lucky to have good neighbors most everywhere i’ve lived, but in every place I’ve lived there has been at least one neighbor that has devoted themselves to generating conflict with others. These people really are nuts because any sane person would especially want to avoid problems with others who because of their proximity are positioned to heap misery upon you if they are inclined.

Your Jane must not realize how lucky she is not to live near anyone as crazy as she is who might delight in making her life a living hell.

On the other hand, she seems to thrive on conflict.