Thursday, July 22, 2010

Farewell Fat Lou (Sniff), We hardly Knew Thee.

AP Chicago – Cub fans are understandably despondent over the sudden, unexpected announced retirement of manager and future hall-of-fame inductee Lou Piniella before Tuesday’s game.

Above, Fat Lou figuring out Tuesday's lineup during batting practice

Lifetime Cub fan from Lake Forest and current Wrigleyville resident 27 year old Phil McCracken along with his 26 year old room mate originally from Keokuk Iowa, Caleb Grayson, both Northwestern University MBA graduates expressed their extreme disappointment after the game.

Between sobs Phil said, “Lou was the best losing manager we ever had, why does he have to leave?” Caleb commented between entering his iphone tweets and checking in on Facebook to verify, “it’s true, Lou’s gone, he was the worst manager we ever had and damn, we’re going to miss him.” “But I did get some good photos and video of Lou on my new 4g iphone so I can worship Lou and tweet about him forever.”

Left to right above, Phil McCracken and Caleb Grayson suffering through the incredible loss of their losing hero, Lou.

While falling in love with each and every incoming Cub manager with a previous winning record has become a regular tradition in Wrigleyville bars, Lou meant something very special to the left field bleacher bums and out-of-town tourists. He seemed more than willing to give up.

“He has an incredible and insatiable desire to lose, he was so uninspiring to his unmotivated team and now this?” asked Phil once he regained composure. “What are these new Ricketts wankers doing to our tradition? “Don’t they realize that by getting rid of Lou we need to find another previously successful manager who must learn how to give up?” “How can these evil owners let the big fish get away so soon, Lou hardly had a chance to prove he could lose more than anyone else”, Caleb lamented. “It’s all Zambrano’s fault.” We were once Trusty In Dusty groupies but Lou had that built-in losing instinct."

Above from left to right, north shore residents still living at home with their wealthy parents are Blythe Ashby, Ashton Mitchner and Bree Collingsworth.

Inside Wrigley Field the scene was similar. Blythe Ashby from Winnetka IL along with her friends Ashton Mitchner and Bree Collingsworth from nearby Glencoe IL refused to leave the park upon hearing the awful news. “I can’t speak for Blythe because she’s had too many Jager shots but to me and Bree this is nothing less than horrifying news”, claimed Ashton. “How can we uphold a tradition of drinking a shot for every Cub player left on base if some new manager comes in, pays attention and starts to win, he could ruin everything!”, Ashton added. “Does this mean we are going to have to pay attention to the games now?” “And no, Blythe didn’t soil herself, some vendor spilled a beer in her lap after one of the Cubs hit a single with two outs and five runs behind in the bottom of the ninth and a nearby fan got a bit too excited”, according to Bree.

We caught up with two Cub fans leaving the game during the top of the sixth at the corner of Addison and Sheffield who would only identify themselves as Drunk and Boozer. They were heading to the bar to continue their gameday binge with Boozer’s girlfriend, Tanqueray.

Above from left to right, dedicated die-hard Cub fans Drunk, Boozer and Tanqueray

I asked Mr. Drunk why they were leaving the game early. Drunk quickly chirped, ”we need to grab three stools at the bar before the main crowd shows up.” Tanqueray added, “after the third inning the women’s toilet at Wrigley get so yukky the urine is, like, over the top of my flip flops like deep.” “I just like need to wash my feet, just, like, yyuuuck!”

So who will the next Cub manager be? Could it be one-time Cubs catcher Joe Gerardi who is having success as manager of the New York Yankees and in the last year of his contract? Not too likely he would leave NY to lose in a smaller market. He has too much pride and most likely could give a flying fig about the small town Cubs. I could be wrong. Big money talks and with the track record of paying huge bucks to soon-to-be has-been players and managers, the Cubs offer may be too enticing for him to resist. Why win when Cub fans love to watch a loser?

How about Cubbie fan favorite and hall-of-famer Ryne Sandberger who is currently managing the Cubs AAA team in Peoria? He’s a proven loser with a lifelong Cub tradition and has a track record for cheerfully playing on a rotten team his entire career. That may not do for the fans since he is not a proven winning manager willing to come to the north side to lead the losing tradition for the new century.

Many are betting on current television color announcer Bob Brenly to become the next Cub manager. He won the MLB World Series in Phoenix and has not worked on the field since. He knows the current overpriced talent with long contracts well so I like the possibilities.

I say sign Bob Brenly before he thinks about it too much. Now THAT could be the losing ticket.


This morning, SunTimes reporter Rick Morrissey runs down the list of potential Cub losers managers.

The money quote: And for a baseball man, there's the most intoxicating drug in the world: the thought of being the manager who brings a World Series title to the North Side for the first time since 1908.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. "Sell The Dream, Deliver The Turd" brings in the Cubbie fan suckers year after year.


Dan from Madison said...

This is outstanding! I hadn't heard the McCracken joke for a long time.

johnnyj said...

...Ha! How fitting...

...Jay Buhner, Edgar Martinez and Mark "Mac"lemore were together during batting practice one day before a home series, they were all in the middle of a 'cold' batting streak...Lou walked up and said:
Jay, you have the day off. Edgar, you have the day off. Mac, "if I had another second baseman you'd have the day off too."

...That's Lou, love the guy.