Like a Fish Out of Water

When I was in Dallas recently I needed to get a massage. I didn't say wanted one, I really needed one. It was right after the Chicago Half Marathon, and my legs felt like each one of them contained a half gallon of lactic acid. Not that lactic acid itself causes the soreness, it is the resulting acidosis, but that is a different subject for a different post.

So when I arrived in Big D I made my way to the hotel spa and signed up for a 80 minute massage, to be concentrated mostly on my legs. The price was too high, but I didn't care, I had to have it.

When I arrived, a woman showed me to the men's section and they asked me if I wanted a steam bath or sauna before the massage. What the heck, I have never had a steam bath before so I gave it a shot. One guy handed me a robe.

I was shown to the men's locker room and the first thing I see is a naked dude with tatoos all over his lower front side - like men's tramp stamps on the front. Weird.

This place was pretty damned fancy. They had citrus water all over the place and the dudes kept asking me if I needed or wanted anything. I felt like an emperor.

I lasted about five minutes in the steam bath and took a shower. The shower stalls had fine linen curtains. I cleaned up and put my robe on. A guy asked me (again) if I wanted anything so I made him get me some orange water just for kicks. He showed me to the "men's lounge" where they had sports on TV, and copies of the WSJ and other papers. It was pretty cool except for that stupid music they were playing on the speakers, that sounded like a stoner with a pan flute and some waves in the background.

One of my servants then showed me to the "co-ed" lounge. There was a sign that said "quiet zone" but the crappy music thundered on. There were some guys and women in there not talking. Most were sitting there sipping citrus water and/or reading magazines. I will be honest with you it was a little creepy. And I wasn't comfortable with the robe. Ah, the robe.

I haven't worn a robe in probably - ever. The minute the guy handed it to me I was fumbling with it, and I could hardly figure out how to close the damned thing. I was very uncomfortable in it but eventually figured it out in a half assed sort of way. I was pretty busy in that co-ed lounge, trying to sit in modest ways so my junk didn't flop out in front of everyone. I pretty much always sit like a guy, but with the robe on I had to really make sure that everything was "in order". I eventually chose a crossed leg style and let the chips fall.

Mercifully the woman showed up for the massage and she was absolutely fantastic. She was a Mexican woman but her English was OK and she really did a great job. I tipped her well.

At least I know some of what to do next time, but I might need to steal a robe from a hotel someday to practice how to tie that damned thing up correctly.